


around the world and back again (i hope you're waiting at the end)

by jaesungs



Series: the limitless me (from the start of the east to the end of the west) [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jaeyong is loud, M/M, Mark is confused, Sad, You might cry, but probably not in the way you thinK?, but they get their own fic probably idk yet, extreme agnst, i almost cried writing it, jaeyong is toxic too, kind of toxic relationship, like 12.5k of angst, like a lot, like it doesn't really feel that alternative because of how canon it is, like really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15605838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaesungs/pseuds/jaesungs
Summary: Mark Lee is totally and utterly in love with Lee Donghyuck. But, he also knows the reality that he faces. He will never be able to hold hands with a girl in public let alone come out as gay. And, maybe all the comments are getting to him. And, maybe that's why he breaks Hyuck's heart.





	1. somewhere i lost a piece of me

**Author's Note:**

> uhm yeah this turned out to be really agnsty and it confronts homophobia in south korean society, k-fans possessiveness, etc. so yeah...
> 
> also, you don't have to ship jaeyong to read this but their relationship is present because it's important to mark. uhm...that's it i think?
> 
> [edit 22 april 2019] title: there for you by martin garrix and troye sivan
> 
> [edit 22 april 2019] i just want to say thank you so much for the support of this fic. i remember staying up all night writing it and being so nervous to publish it. thank you forever. - liv

Mark Lee supposes that Lee Donghyuck was the best thing to ever happen to him. 

He could say debuting three times with good friends or making eleven comebacks would be the best thing to ever happen to him. Probably would if someone asked him. 

Truthfully, though, Lee Donghyuck and all his glory would be the answer. He could never admit that to the public for reasons such as he’s supposed to be straight, but nonetheless, that’s the only sincere, honest to God answer. There’s no second guessing it.

You could ask him why, but he wouldn’t have a clear answer for you. He’s good at writing songs, writing raps. He wrote his own verse in Baby Don’t Like It which is _clearly poetry_ at its finest, but he can’t explain Donghyuck. Not in the first draft at least.

It’d take him at least four rewrites to get the perfect answer.

It could be that Donghyuck does nothing half-ass. When he commits to something, he commits. He’d rather die than let something be half-ass done. Maybe it’s the fact that he has no idea what the word careful means, that careful isn’t even in his vocabulary. And it definitely would have to include that his smile could light up a whole country because that’s how bright it is. His confidence is another factor of his answer, maybe a whole paragraph. He holds himself with so much pride. 

But, it’s also the most intimate parts of Donghyuck. _No, not like that._ What he means is the fact that Donghyuck is so open about a lot of things, but there are parts of himself that he only shows Mark. Like the dimples on his lower back, the moles on his hips, or the scars on his inner thighs. Or how his lips swell a little bit overnight and his face puffs up, but he has no problem letting Mark see that. 

Maybe it’s the way that Hyuck can’t sleep alone, even when they’re fighting. He’ll always find a way to crawl back into Mark’s bed late at night. Or how he loves being coddled and cuddled and sometimes Mark can resist it at first, but in the end he’s Hyuck’s bitch (much like everyone else in NCT). And the fact that their co-dependence has never been questioned. 

But, it’s not just all of that. It’s that Hyuck will sit there for hours and let Mark run lyrics by him, even help him. He will call out all of Mark’s dumb sentences, fix the structure, sing parts six times over if Mark asks. He’ll tell Mark to go to bed when it nears two in the morning and Mark is still stuck on a verse. He will let Mark ramble on and on for hours even if it’s been a long day and he just wants to sleep. He will listen to Mark’s stories even if he’s already heard them and he’ll act like it’s the first time, laughing and laughing for minutes.

And it’s the fact that they’re turbulent. They always have been, even before they started to like each other as more than friends. They fight so much that everyone else around them are miserable because of their screaming. Sometimes it’s dumb shit. And sometimes, Mark snaps because he’s tired and frustrated. And sometimes, Hyuck snaps because he’s Hyuck.

Whatever it may be, they’re constantly going at it. Some may say it’s passionate to fight like they do, Mark says it’s tiring. He’d say sixty percent of the time, they’re going at it. They’re yelling and screaming, throwing shit, kicking holes in the wall.

They’re worse that Taeyong and Jaehyun, which should be hard to beat considering that Tae and Jaehyun have an even more chaotic dynamic.

He likes the danger of it. The risk of being so completely in love with someone he shouldn’t be. He loves it. Whether it is or is not completely right, he’s enamoured with him, maybe even trapped under his spell. 

And yet, he wouldn’t trade Lee Donghyuck for the world. For the universe and all the stars in the sky.

Because there are also the days that they’re laying in bed and kiss for hours when they should be sleeping. There are the days that he comes home and he cries into Hyuck’s shirt, soaking it with his tears. Days off where they sit together and watch dumb American movies that Mark ends up translating half of. They’ll lay in bed with Ironman boxers on and hoodies and cuddle, not even caring about all the other shit they have to do.

Those are the days that Mark holds onto when he feels utterly broken inside. When he doesn’t feel like moving a single bone in his body, when everything becomes too much for him. When he’s fed up with everything.

Despite everything they go through, Lee Donghyuck is the center of his world, something that keeps it from falling apart.

So, yeah. That’s his answer. 

He’s in love with Lee Donghyuck. He already knew that, already accepted that.

The only problem with is the way is that their company refuses to let them come out. Let them show everyone just how much they love each other.

This isn’t uncommon, never has been, probably never will be. South Korean society is still plagued with homophobia, hatred for people who love the same sex. Mark wishes that it would change, but he’s not naive. He’s not stupid, either. He’s realistic. It’s going to take decades and decades to change people’s minds about homosexuality and that he doesn’t have that.

That’s a lie. He does have decades and decades to wait for some bitter people to accept his love for Hyuck. But, he’s not patient enough. He gets fed up with people and their bullshit easily, he doesn’t have the time to wait for people to tell him when he can get married.

The topic comes up between them all sometimes. They’ll discuss the possibilities of them all getting married one day. Johnny likes to believe that they’ll legalize gay marriage one day in the near future. Taeyong says that he won’t get married, Jaehyun glares at him. Winwin mumbles that he’s the only straight member so he’ll probably be the only one to legally get married...to which Yuta and Taeil simply roll their eyes and say “Fuck legal marriage, just go elope in Canada or something”. 

Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin don’t plan on getting married because...well...yeah. And Chenle and Jisung say they don’t even want to think about marriage. But, they do agree that they’d like for the option to be open. Kun, loving soul he is, just mumbles that love is love. Yukhei is the same way. But, he’s much more open to the idea of not getting married. While, Taeyong says it to spite Jaehyun, Yukhei says it because that’s what he believes. And Jungwoo is indifferent to the whole thing. When Mark pesters him enough, he’ll say, “Of course I want to get married, but it’s just not viable right now”. Code words for he doesn’t plan on giving up his career for marriage any time soon either.

There is no chance in Hell that he’ll probably ever be able to take Hyuck out on a date in public without worrying about his career being over. Not that it would matter anyway, he’s nothing without Hyuck. But, he knows that a lot of fans support his relationship with Hyuck. International fans, at least. That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if Western fans support him because SM doesn’t give a shit about them. 

SM cares about public opinion in South Korea--in Seoul. And K-Nctzens are not supportive. They like the ship, he knows that much, but they rely too heavily on the idea that they’re going to marry him or Hyuck one day. K-fans are possessive and easily jealous. He doesn’t really blame them because that’s what SM sells them, gives them what they want.

Still, he knows he’s going to spend the rest of his life in the closet. 

Maybe that’s the reason that he lets the comments about being gay get to him, because in a way he doesn’t want to be gay. When SM managers and producers talk about them all being “twinky cunts”, it’s always him that it hurts the most. They say it to hurt them, to discourage them to be that way. Maybe it’s sort of working.

That sort of realization has him really thinking about what he wants from life. Only, he contemplates his life at 2 P.M. instead of 2 A.M. unlike the rest of his members. 

Some members like to wander the streets at 3 A.M. (Jeno). Some like to sit on the porch and drink themselves silly (Taeyong). And some like to go to the studio and sing until their voice is raw (Johnny). 

But, Mark likes to sit lay on the floor in his bedroom on his back, staring up at the glow in the dark stars Hyuck asked Johnny and Lucas to stick on the ceiling. He’s seen them a billion times, even counts them before he goes to bed. Yet, when he needs to think he’ll come back and looks at them aimlessly.

He shares the bedroom--or that’s what the fans think, at least. They share bedroom assignments so that fans don’t get suspicious when they're asked about it and all stumble over the question. He and Hyuck share the room, while the other members arrange themselves based on who’s in love that night.

He never really knows who’s with who because most nights Jaehyun and Taeyong are fighting and other nights they’re fucking for hours, so he can never be too sure. He figures that the other members will go where they have to go. It’s been this way since way before they debuted.

You’d think that watching Taeyong and Jaehyun’s on again and off again relationship for the past two years would’ve discourage Mark to get into one of his own, but it didn’t. 

Not that he would really call him and Hyuck a relationship, in that way. Sure, they sure do kiss like one and spend time together like one, but they know better than to label it. 

Labeling it makes it harder to face the harsh reality that is that they can’t exist, not in the real world at least. In the confines of their dorm, in the privacy of their home they are free to love each other how they want. But, outside, in the real world their love is forbidden. Which is definitely cliche and teenage agnst-y sounding, but it’s the truth.

All of their relationships are forbidden, so they aren’t special. They separate couples, tell them to interact with different members. That’s how it is, that’s how it’s always been.

When a relationship gets too popular and starts to look too real, that’s when barriers are put in between them. Some physical, but most are mental. 

Mark figures that’s what happened between Taeyong and Jaehyun. Doyoung said that SM forced them apart which is why they fell apart. Naturally, jealousy and loneliness get the best of you. 

The one person you want to share everything with ends up being the one person you can’t have anything with. 

And, Mark really can’t imagine having that happen between him and Hyuck. He would rather lose his voice than lose Hyuck like that.

This is all stuff he thinks about while mindlessly hugging one of Hyuck’s plushies to his chest. He doesn’t even know why Hyuck has it because he doesn’t even like plushies, they always end up on the floor of Mark’s closet or in Doyoung’s shower. 

He looks over to his door as it opens, seeing only black vans and the bottom of skinny jeans walking towards him. He glances up and sees it’s Johnny in a hoodie, looking down at him with no expression on his face.

“Having fun?” Johnny asks in English because he can. It’s a running joke between Johnny, Mark, and Jaehyun to speak in English when there are no managers around to tell them any better.

“Sure,” Mark sighs in Korean, showing that he’s not in the mood right now. 

Johnny clearly picks up on it and says in back in Korean, “What’s on your mind now?”

Mark feels a body part touch his bicep and he looks to his left. Johnny has laid down next to him, his head level with Mark’s and legs stretching farther. Mark silently grabs another one of Hyuck’s plushies out from under his bed and hands it to Johnny who hugs it.

“A lot.”

It’s nice when Johnny doesn’t respond. He usually always has something to say, some way to respond. It takes a couple of minutes for Johnny to ask what’s wrong. He figures it has to do with Hyuck, who he hasn’t seen all day, but he doesn’t know if he really wants to hear about more of their problems. He already heard a shit ton from Jaehyun about Taeyong.

He eventually does ask, though. The silence becomes so unbearable that he mumbles, “like what”.

Mark takes a moment to reply. The awkward pause doesn’t go unnoticed by Johnny. “Have you ever thought about the fact that you can never be legally married?”

Johny snorts. “Well I can be.”

Even though he knows Johnny can’t see, he rolls his eyes. “I mean, you know, to a guy? You can only marry a girl.”

“Yeah.” Johnny agrees, biting his lip. He has thought about it, but not enough for it to really concern him. It’s not like he plans on marrying a guy, not that he hasn’t wanted to at one point, but it still stands. His life goal is to end up married, rich, and happy. “Why?”

Mark shrugs. “I can’t ever legally mary Hyuck and I guess that makes me sad.”

Johnny lets out a deep sigh. “Well, one: you’re nineteen. Two: by the time you’re ready to marry, the laws will probably have changed.”

This time it’s Mark’s turn to snort. “You think, what? Fifteen years is enough time for an entire society to change their minds? We aren’t the US or Australia.”

“I don’t know, Mark, okay? I wish I could help you, really. But, it’s not like you really think you and Hyuck are going to end up happily married after fifteen years of doing this shit, do you?” Johnny knows his words are a little harsh, a little too mean, but he’s being honest. That’s what Mark wants. He doesn’t want to be babied and told everything will be okay. He’s not Jaehyun.

“I’d like to think so,” Mark mumbles, voice quiet. He’s counted the stars eight times now. He always comes up with the same number. Fifteen even. “But, no, not really.”

Johnny touches Mark’s hand with his own. They don’t engage in skinship, not really. But, times like this he knows the younger needs some comforting. “You never know, Mark. Things change.”

“But, not enough.” 

Johnny wishes he could argue with him, but the verity of their situation is that Mark will be lucky if he gets to date a girl let alone come out of the closet. He’ll be lucky if in fifteen years time, he’s out of a contract with SM and has enough money to live off of. He’ll be lucky if even a little bit of their society opens up to gay relationships, yet alone marriage.

The lay in silence until it grows dark outside. It’s not until Doyoung is calling them to come eat that they move. Mark curses, not wanting to get up. It’s a good place to think, to lose yourself. He was getting to the point where he felt himself getting disconnected with the rest of life. 

It’s Johnny who gets up first, throwing the plushie on Mark’s bed and exiting the room. He leaves the door open behind him, not saying a word.

A few minutes pass before Mark’s stomach grumbles and he’s forcing himself to get up off the floor and walk to the dining room.

Everyone is present except Donghyuck and Mark rolls his eyes so hard he thinks they might fall out of his head. He sits next to Jaehyun who is bitterly stabbing at whatever Doyoung cooked, eyes narrowed on Taeyong’s head like he wants to kill him.

“They’re fighting again,” Yuta whispers in Mark’s ear from beside him. Mark looks at him a little exasperated and Yuta just shrugs his shoulders before focusing back on his food. 

Doyoung brings a plate to Mark, setting it down in front of him and patting his head. While Doyoung can be a bitch a lot of the time, he also does truly care for all his members. It doesn’t matter if they’re older or younger than him. Mark thanks him, watching as Doyoung tentatively sits next to Taeyong, rolling his eyes when Jaehyun’s death glare switches to him.

They eat in a tense silence. Usually, Hyuck would break the tension, telling some random story to keep the focus off of Jaeyong’s fighting. But, without him, it’s so silent you could hear a pin drop. Of course, this is the one night Hyuck decides to go be with the Dreamies.

Yuta finishes first, excusing himself and quickly leaving the table. Winwin follows him. Mark silently begs Johnny not to leave, but his attempts are vain because he leaves quickly after Winwin. It’s then Taeil, Doyoung, Mark, and Jaeyong. 

Jaehyun has stopped glaring, thankfully, but he’s gone to not looking at Taeyong at all which is worse.

Taeil ends up going to his room ten minutes later, unable to sit there any longer. Doyoung sighs, letting him go with a wave of his hand. He looks at Mark and nods his head, releasing the youngest from what has to be some form of torture. 

He lets out a breath of relief when he makes it back to his bedroom, not having to sit there and watch the painful exchange between Jaehyun and Taeyong. 

Laying down on his bed, he pulls out his phone to text Hyuck.

_mark: when are you coming home?_

After fifteen minutes, Mark isn’t surprised that he hasn’t gotten a response. Actually, he isn’t even surprised that his message still says delivered. But, he can’t lay there any longer so he gets up and walks to his bathroom.

He turns the water on to the hottest setting, liking how it soothes his muslces. He’ll admit that his skin isn’t a fan, but if it takes the worst pain he’s ever felt in his life away, then he’ll do anything. He strips down until he’s butt ass naked and steps into the shower, not checking the temperature beforehand.

It’s not shocking when the first few droplets that hit is skin are scalding hot. He accepts it, letting the water pound onto his aching shoulders. He finishes his shower in thirty minutes. The water relieves his aching shoulders.

He steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his hips after he’s dried off. He rubs the fog off the mirror with his hand and wipes the droplets of water onto his towel.

He’s not surprised when the bathroom door opens and Hyuck walks in with nothing but sweatpants on. Mark touches his bare hips before making room at the sink counter.

They don’t talk the whole time. There are soft touches on the hips, the shoulders, arms, hands. Nothing more than that. But, in tranquility they go about getting ready for bed. Brushing their teeth, Hyuck going through his skincare routine, Mark drying his hair off. There are no words exchanged until they’re laying on Mark’s bed, Hyuck’s head nuzzled in the dip of Mark’s neck.

“You know I love you, right?” Hyuck asks, yawning right after. 

Mark runs threads his fingers in Hyuck’s hair. “Of course I do. And I love you too.”

He can’t fall asleep until he feels Hyuck’s breathing slow. He cranes his neck to kiss his forehead before letting himself drift too.

 

He doesn’t think about the marriage thing or the coming out thing for another eight months. Comeback season arrives. First it’s Boss, then Go, then Touch, then Black on Black. All of those comebacks require all of his attention, all of his energy. 

If he’s not sneaking makeout sessions with Hyuck, he’s sleeping or practicing. It’s just show after show, place after place, interview after interview, photoshoot after photoshoot. Then they have Chain in May and all the promotions there. It gets to the point where everything becomes muddled, a heap of blurry places and faces he can’t remember. 

They only get into two fights, which is a record for them considering eight months is a long time. Well, one does last for a month and a half, but still. And there’s the fact that they barely see each other, don’t even have time to fight. Nevertheless, he’s proud. 

It’s actually a surprising time for everyone because Jaehyun and Taeyong manage to spend four of the eight months together and happy. The other four they just ignore each other, which none of them even mind because it’s better than 24/7 pissing matches.

Now, for the first time in a long time, they’re being given a break. It’s mid-August and he tuned 20 recently, which had been nice. It was a sweet occasion, Hyuck waking him up and kissing him nonstop the whole day. They also had a concert, which he thought was heartwarming enough.

So, life had been hectic and now that it’s calmed down, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He ends up back on the topic of marriage. He doesn’t have a fucking clue as to why he can’t drop the subject. It’s not like he wants to get married right now or even plans on it in the near future.

But, he guesses it has something to do with how he believes in God and all that. He wants to get married, he wants to have kids, but he also wants all of that with Hyuck which is why this whole thing is confusing as fuck. He realizes that there’s a lot wrong with that sentence. The first thing being that he can’t even be seen with a girl in public without the risk of being attacked, let alone marry his bandmate. It’s kind of funny when he thinks about it.

“What’s wrong?” Hyuck asks, noticing the laugh that Mark does when something that is so serious it’s funny to him, not looking up from his phone. They’re laying down on his bed, bodies pressed together. He runs a finger across Hyuck’s bare hip bone, watching him shudder from the touch.

“You ever thought about getting married?” He pushes his chest closer to Hyuck’s back, embracing the warmth because Hyuck is a human furnace. 

He doesn’t answer immediately, which makes Mark’s breath get caught in his throat. “Yeah. I think everyone has.”

“And?” 

Hyuck turns his phone off and tosses it onto the table beside him. He flips over so he’s face to face with Mark. “You know.”

“What if we weren’t idols? What if we lived in America or something?” 

Hyuck lets his fingers dance across Mark’s cheekbones, caressing his cheek with a fond smile. “Then I’d marry you in a heartbeat, Mark Lee. I’d spend the rest of my life with you.”

“But?”

“But, we are idols and we don’t live in America. We lose either way, babe. There’s no point in worrying about it now or ever, okay? You’re only stressing yourself out.”

“Yeah.”

Mark knows Donghyuck is right which is why he doesn’t push the topic. He just pulls the younger closer to him, wrapping an arm around him. They spend the rest of their day with their limbs entangled.


	2. last year took a toll on me

It’s not until late October that Mark thinks about coming out again. He doesn’t know how he ends back up on this absurd idea because he’s busy. Their break ended after two days and they’re back to the usual, have been for the past month. He doesn’t even have time to wipe his own ass, let alone think about coming out.

Yet, in his spare time to think for himself, he’s stuck on it. He craves it, actually. He wants everyone to know he’s in love, wants them to know how much he loves Hyuck. He knows that it’s only been two years since debut and that he has a lot longer to go. That doesn’t stop the thoughts though, it just encourages them.

Now, they’ve got about four minutes until they go on stage and he just doesn’t want to. His whole body is asking for him to stop for a minute, to give up on rapping and just run away. He knows he’s pissing everyone off, but he really _can’t_. He can hear screaming all around him, managers and staff trying to get him off the couch he’s laying on. 

“Mark, please,” Taeyong is begging by now, on his hands and knees, hands clasped together like he’s praying to God. “We have to go, now. I swear to God when we finish this week, I’ll talk to the managers about a break. Please, please, please.”

He can hear the desperation in Taeyong’s voice, how it raises an octave like when he’s sobbing for Jaehyun not to go when he thinks nobody is listening. 

“Tae, c’mon,” he hears the low rumble of Jaehyun’s voice, soothing and calming. “You have to go out there now. I’ll handle this, okay. _Babe._ ”

The last word is so quiet Mark almost misses it. That’s when he realizes that Jaehyun is desperate too. It’s not often that any one in the band sees these acts of affection, pet names and kisses. It’s not for their eyes or ears, Jaehyun will murmur late at night when Taeyong asks why.

“I can’t just leave him here,” Taeyong rubs his forehead, massaging his temples. “We can’t just leave him here. We can’t do this performance without him.”

“I know, but you’re going to get your ass kicked, okay? Please, I’ll get him out there. Give me ten minutes.” 

Mark’s eyes are closed so he doesn’t see Jaehyun press a soft kiss to Taeyong’s forehead or Taeyong’s small smile. He doesn’t see Taeyong nearly punch a manager as he leaves in frustration. 

“Listen, you little fucker,” Jaehyun says in English, hoping it gets Mark’s attention. “We have to go out there. This is so fucked. I’m fucking tired, Hyuck is fucking tired, but you can’t pull this shit. I’m not fucking begging you, I’m telling you.”

He wishes he could put into words how he felt. It was more than tired, more than exhausted. He’s drained mentally and physically. He feels empty, like a bottomless pit is sucking all the energy and hope out of him.

“God, fuck you, Mark. Fuck you.” Jaehyun gets up from beside him and leaves the room after Taeyong, heavy footsteps heard by everyone.

There’s more chaos around him, but he can’t hear a thing. It’s like his ears are stuff with cotton, throat dry, and he just lays there for what feels like for an infinite and finite amount of time. 

It’s not until he feels lips on his neck that he lets his eyes open. He lets them drift down until he sees Hyuck’s mop of brown hair, lips sucking small hickies onto his skin.

“You’re going to get in so much trouble,” Mark mumbles, being careful not to hit his chin on Hyuck’s head. 

Hyuck pulls his lips off of Mark’s neck, examining the dark spots he left behind. “Not as much trouble as you will. Let’s go, hyung, please? They’re stalling out there, but we have a solid thirty seconds for them to put makeup on the hickies I just left so we can go.”

Mark’s body deflates, interest in the topic gone. “I don’t want to.”

Hyuck answers with a simple “I know”. He intertwines their fingers, rubbing Mark’s skin with the pad of his thumb. He begins to hum a song Mark doesn’t recognize, but something about it is calming. 

He clenches his hands into fists, nails digging so deep into the palm of his hands that he knows he’s about to draw blood. 

“C’mon, when we get home we’ll cuddle together, okay? I’ll even be the big spoon if you really want me to be. But, you have to get up. Please.”

The whimper in Hyuck’s voice is enough to push him to sit up, meeting Hyuck’s eyes. He gives a small, fake smile. 

Around him are a flurry of makeup artists covering the marks on his neck. There are yells from every corner of the room, but his eyes remain focused on Donghyuck who gives him reassuring smiles and hand squeezes until they’re getting up and leaving the room to go on stage. 

The two meet up with Taeil who gives them both a weak smile before pushing Mark onto the steps leading to the stage.

As he walks onto the stage, the bright lights nearly blinding him and the screams drowning out everything else, he remembers that this is the life he chose. He wanted this, like it or not. Even on the days he might literally want to end it all, he chose this.

He chose to be an idol, to have fans. 

And that reminds him that it’s his fault he will never be able to come out. He trapped himself here. He knew all the consequences that came with fame when he auditioned for SM. 

Knowing he’s the one to blame for his own misery, made everything look duller. Colors became gray, music became static. His love for Donghyuck never died, never faded, but their relationship (non-relationship, whatever you might call it) became a skeleton of what it once was.

Instead of being the happiest part of his life, the part that kept him anchored, it became another reminder of what he would never have.

 

It’s December first now, the snow covering the ground and the Christmas lights already hung up along the houses everywhere. 

Mark is listening to Christmas music in the dorm, blasting it loud enough to cover the moans coming from Taeyong’s bedroom. He’s sitting on the couch, blanket covering his lap, and a notebook full of lyrics in hand.

“The music isn’t helping,” Johnny screams in English from the outskirts of the living room, leaning casually against the door frame as Mark looks up from his lap. 

“You’re not supposed to be talking to me,” Mark answers in English. 

Johnny rolls his eyes, not moving from his spot. “I forgot.”

He didn’t forget, really. He just knows that Mark needs a friend right now, even if that does mean ‘fraternizing with the enemy’ as Hyuck puts it. Ever since their breakup at the start of November, the dorm has been divided into two halves. Well, except for Winwin who refuses to take sides (he secretly brings Hyuck ice cream at four in the morning when he can sometimes hear the sobs coming from Hyuck, but that’s besides the point).

“Right,” Mark looks back down at his notebook. “He’ll be pissed at you if he catches us talking.”

“Yeah.” Johnny agrees, still not moving. “Not that it matters, he’s pissed off all the time anyway.”

Mark winces, hoping that Johnny doesn’t notice. He broke things off with Hyuck with no explanation, so it makes more than enough sense that he would be pissed. “Nice.”

“You’re not a dick, Mark. I don’t know why you try to make yourself look like one, but you know he absolutely adores you, worships every step you take. So, why the fuck are you ignoring him?” 

He doesn't have an explanation that Johnny wants, doesn’t really have an explanation he understands himself. He only knows that this is how it has to be right now. He needs time to think. “Okay.”

Johnny scoffs, shaking his head, eyes trained on Mark’s head. “Okay,” he mimics before leaving the room.

Mark gives up on writing lyrics, throwing the notebook and pen in his hands haphazardly on the seat next to him. 

He knows everyone is pretty pissed off at him, even the people who sided with him. Jaehyun, Taeil, and Doyoung all let him come to them and cry about it. Yuta and Taeyong have been actively avoiding him, barely even making eye contact. Johnny sneaks his interactions with Mark in when he thinks Donghyuck isn’t home. Winwin just ignores them all as much as possible, which Mark does not blame him for because he knows breakups in the dorms are often a lot of trouble.

It’s only been like this one other time. A year ago when they made their first comeback as NCT 127 with nine members. Jaehyun and Taeyong had been fighting for months, but they never fought like that. Until one day, Jaehyun snapped and said something he shouldn’t have. Taeyong said something equally as shitty back.

That was their first official breakup and the dorm was fighting for weeks. It’s odd to think that a breakup could affect so many people around it, but they were stuck together in tight spaces for months after. They couldn’t so much as breathe by themselves. Focusing on fighting with each other was easier than dealing with the homesickness and the extreme fatigue that plagued them. They went from collapsing once a week to fist fights. 

Fans didn’t see any of the behind the scene stuff. They saw what SM wanted them to. So, on the outside they all looked like boys who truly loved each other (which isn’t a lie), but on the inside, without the cameras rolling, they were at war. Now isn’t much different. He sided with Jaehyun, so now it’s like Jaehyun’s duty to side with him. 

He continues to blast the Christmas music, periodically looking up when he heard footsteps, both hoping and not hoping it would be Hyuck. A part of him wishes that Hyuck would come into the room and tell him how stupid he is. The rational part of him knows that 1) Hyuck is far too stubborn for that and 2) it has to be this way.

There’s no explanation as to why it has to be like this. He wishes more than anything that he could put together a string of words to form a sentence that made any sense at all. All the wishing in the world does nothing. He can’t make Hyuck get it, can’t make anyone in his fucking band get it.

So, he continues to play his Christmas music at full volume to muffle Taeyong and Jaehyun out. He continues to write half-ass lyrics that make little sense. And he continues to try and forget all about Lee Donghyuck and how much he misses him. 

 

The end of December comes too quickly. He didn’t see it coming, actually. They got another break during Christmas evening and then went and performed for a Christmas Day parade. It was a lame as it sounds. Now in January, he’s preparing for the next comeback as NCT U and NCT 127.

He spent Christmas Eve missing Donghyuck more than usual, knowing how much he loved the holiday. He looks at the present he bought him nearly six months in advance, tracing the M+D engraved into the necklace he bought.

It’s a gold plated, thin stringed necklace with a pendant at the end, Donghyuck’s birthstone a pearl. Right behind the pendant was a small dog tag-like thing hanging where their two initials are carved in a small printed font and right under them would be the date that Mark confessed his love for Hyuck.

He had to order it nearly half a year ago, the place he wanted to get it from being so backordered that it had to be then. He looked at different stores and different jewelry places, but he never found a necklace better than the first. He eventually gave in and paid an obscene amount of money for it.

The necklace came in the mail by the second week of December and Mark almost had a meltdown. It came out perfect, looked exactly like he envisioned. The necklace he bought specially would compliment Hyuck’s natural, brown skin. He knew that when he bought it in the first place and still now knows it even after Christmas.

Mark realizes that this is the longest they’ve been apart, like this at least, since they started to see each other for real. It seems laughable by how clingy they were back then compared to right now, when Mark hasn’t even really seen Hyuck except on stage.

It’s killing him too, not being with Hyuck. He misses him all the time, sniffs his hoodies when he misses his scent, cries into his pillow when he thinks nobody can hear. He isn’t only breaking Hyuck’s heart, he’s breaking his own too.

For what remains the unprecedented question. If he even knew, maybe he could fix it. They could go back to the way they were before.

But, he doesn’t know why. Some part of him hates Hyuck for making him fall in love because he thought he could at least be happy marrying a girl before he met him. Afterwards, he knew he was more than wrong. 

In the back of his mind, he knows that Hyuck isn’t to blame and never will be. But, he can’t bare the thought of blaming himself for why his life is such a trainwreck. If it’s not Hyuck’s fault, it’s his own. Then he can only be mad at himself, really.

He’s not only pissed at Hyuck. He’s pissed at the fans for wanting to control him like they do. They don’t want him to date, they want him to be their perfect little doll. He knows that they give up so much for him, like money and following him around as fansites. He knows, he does. 

Still, why does that give them the right to tell him who he can’t or cannot love? 

He can’t fathom believing that he is entitled to govern someone’s entire life. 

Going all of November without Hyuck felt kind of easy. It felt like their normal kinds of fights. Managing December got harder and harder as time went on. Every single day would be a reminder of Hyuck. He’d wake up expecting to see him still in bed, softly snoring. He’d be eating some food and think _Oh, I should take some back for Hyuck. He loves this stuff_. 

Donghyuck would not be forgotten. He would live on in Mark’s mind, simply forcing Mark to recall all of his self-loathing. Maybe it’s toxic, but that’s how Mark sees it. 

He watches the snow fall from his new bedroom in the dorm. They rearranged rooms, seeing that their breakup looks more permanent than they had thought. He now shares his bedroom with Jaehyun and Taeyong, unfortunately for him.

The two had begged to share a bedroom...yes, literally begged. Everyone knows that they fight too much to share a bedroom, but they bothered Doyoung and Taeil enough that they finally gave in. Mark drew the short end of the stick and got stuck sharing a room with them.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Johnny, the bane of Mark’s entire existence, announces from beside Mark’s bed. 

The younger looks away from his window to meet Johnny’s eyes. “Good to know.”

“I’m being serious,” Johnny sighs, sitting down on the edge of Mark’s bed. “This has been going on for too long. I don’t know why you insist on dragging this out.”

Mark shrugs his shoulders, twiddling his phone between his fingers. “It’s really none of your business, Johnny. So I don’t know why you insist on sticking your head up my ass.”

Johnny scoffs, almost chuckles. “You know what, you’re right. I should give up on even trying to get through your thick skull, but I won’t.”

“You should,” Mark snaps. “You can’t pressure me into getting back together with him. I don’t give a shit about him.”

“If you didn’t give a shit, you would be able to say his name.”

There are a few minutes of complete silence between them, Johnny’s words lingering in the air.

Eventually, Mark has to say something back. He feels like he should defend himself somehow, show Johnny that he’s wrong. Hyuck’s name forms, first letter on the tip of his tongue before he’s breaking down into sobs.

His whole chest shakes, tears falling out his eyes like a river. He feels arms wrap around him, pulling his face towards a hard wall. A hard wall he feels the warmth of and realizes is actually Johnny’s chest. He fists the material of Johnny’s sweatshirt, holding onto them so tight his knuckles turn white.

“It’s okay,” Johnny soothes, rubbing Mark’s back and playing with his hair just the way he likes. It feels like old times, back when Mark had just debuted and the stress was getting to him. He’d come to Johnny, mumbling about whatever and eventually letting everything out including tears.

That’s why choosing sides was harder than Johnny expected, why he can’t seem to give up on Mark. He knows the real Mark, not this one who breaks the heart of the person he loves the most. 

They sit on Mark’s bed for a long time, longer than Mark would ever admit. He lets Johnny hold him and baby him, lets the facade crumble and fall around him. 

The day turns to night and they’re still laying on his bed. Jaehyun stormed in, screaming curse words in English and Korean before walking back out of the room with no explanation as to what just happened. A few minutes later, Taeyong is walking into the room, throwing clothing all over the room.

Neither Johnny nor Mark question it or even acknowledge what happened.

At 12:03 A.M, Johnny looks over at Mark who’s fallen asleep. He sighs in content and very carefully crawls out of bed. He finds a spare blanket on Jaehyun and Taeyong’s bed and throws it on Mark.

 

By mid-February of 2019, they’re starting comebacks again. The only thing scheduled for February happens to be for NCT China, which is finally making its long-awaited debut. Mark is happy for everyone in the group, happy to not have to debut for the fourth time.

Still, with NCT China preparing for their debut, everyone else is scrambling around as they practice for their comebacks. NCT U’s comeback is right after NCT China finishes, so that they can include Winwin and Yukhei again. 

Because SM wants all the music that was written to go towards NCT 127’s first full length album, they decide that this comeback is going to be a revamped version of The 7th Sense which takes a new title.

Mark isn’t stressed about it because it’s the same song with a few different raps for Yukhei thrown in here and there and a new verse Taeyong wrote just for Hyuck and Winwin to perform. To say the least, he’s not worried.

But, he is in a way. He watches how hard Hyuck pushes himself during their practice. He’s not used to having that many lines to rehearse. He also knows that his ex is concerned about the amount of comebacks. While Mark graduated from NCT Dream, Hyuck is still in the unit.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer,” Johnny laughs from beside Mark in the practice room. They’ve been working nonstop for the past three hours on all the choreography they need to learn for 127’s album.

Mark rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t staring.” He looks down at the water bottle in his hands, turning away from Hyuck who’s still going through some steps with Taeyong. He looks good, hair dyed grey to suit his tanned skin. 

“You were too,” Johnny sighs, tossing a towel at Mark to wipe the sweat off his face.

They’ve all given up on the fighting at this point. Three and a half months is a long time to be fighting with people you live with. They just don’t mention Mark to Hyuck and vice versa. In fact, they don’t mention the couple at all. It’s been blacklisted.

February happens to be the month of Jaeyong, the time that they actually thrive. With the extra stress of comeback, they lean on each other. Mark wouldn’t say he’s jealous per se. Perhaps extremely, insanely envious is the right way to put it. He just doesn’t get why a couple like them get to be happy together when he can’t be with Hyuck.

He knows it sounds ridiculous and whiny, but he really just can’t comprehend that they can work shit out and he can’t.

“Earth to Mark,” Johnny waves a hand in front of his face. “You there? Did you glitch out? Oh, God, I need to call SM! I think your battery finally died.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Mark huffs, chucking his half-empty water bottle at Johnny’s face.

Johnny catches it with ease. “You can’t throw for shit.”

Mark rolls his eyes and walks closer to the back of the room so he can stare at Hyuck in the mirror in front of him. He spends the rest of his five minute break watching Donghyuck dance with little effort yet look so gracious. 

They end practice a little later than usual and Mark is starving by the time they get home. Doyoung suggests that they just order something because nobody has the energy to cook. No one argues with him, don’t even have a preference, just want to eat.

He doesn’t hear what they decide on, doesn’t really care because his eyes are trained on Hyuck who’s fallen asleep on the couch in front of him. Hyuck’s head is resting on Jaehyun’s lap and he’s got this sweaty glow to him that has Mark wanting to kiss him more than anything.

The thing about working with an ex is that it’s harder to get over them. Mark has to see Hyuck everyday, watch how he still has a smile that could cure cancer and has a laugh that has Mark weak to his knees. His plan to get over Hyuck by breaking up with him. Obviously, that plan is already out the window, has been since the second day.

“God, you’re creepy,” Taeyong murmurs, nudging Mark in the side with his elbow. 

“Am not.” Mark doesn’t even care how unconvincing his reply is because Taeyong is more than right. He’s creepy and gross for loving Hyuck even though he was the one who broke his heart. 

“Just talk to him,” Taeyong sighs, patting Mark’s thigh. 

“If it were that simple, I would’ve already done that.” 

Taeyong lets out a small chuckle. “It’s never that complicated, Markie. You and I both know that. I think you’re making all these supposed problems you have up in your head.”

Mark doesn’t have anything to say, which only eggs Taeyong on further. 

“You haven’t said more than, what? Twenty words to him in the past three and a half months? C’mon, Markie.”

He feels the tears father at the corners of his eyes. He just wants people to understand him, understand why this has to happen. Nobody does, nobody gets it. Everyone keeps saying to talk to him, to make things right. But, they don’t even know what’s wrong with Mark. 

“I can’t,” he grits out, teeth grinding together as he tries not to snap. He clenches his fists, counting to ten to try and calm down.

“You can, Mark. You just have to expl-”

“I can’t! I can’t fucking talk to him, you fucking cunt! I’m so fucking tired of everyone trying to tell me what I can and can’t do!” He doesn’t even realize that he’s stood up to yell at Taeyong or that he’s even started to scream until he looks around and sees the horrified expressions on everyone’s faces. He looks behind him and sees Hyuck sitting up, eyebrows furrowed. He glances over at Jaehyun who’s risen from his seat too and is walking over to him.

Before he has the chance to say anything, Mark is running to their shared bedroom. His chest is racked with sobs, stomach hurting by how hard he’s crying. The door slams behind him and he’s throwing himself onto his bed, face first into a pillow to muffle the pathetic noises escaping his body.

The sound of him choking on his own tears drowns out the sound of the door opening. HIs whole body is shaking. He’s heaving too, snot running out of his nose, mixing with his tears.

“Mark, please,” a quiet voice says from beside him, right into his ear. He feels lips on the top of his ear. He pulls away from the voice he recognizes so clearly. “Talk to me, please.”

He shakes his head, rolling over to the other side of his bed. 

“Baby, it’s just me. Please.” Hyuck climbs onto the bed, laying on his stomach too to play with the hair on the nape of Mark’s neck. “Hyung.”

Mark can’t bring himself to face Hyuck after so long, to let him see him like this. Broken. Damaged. Beaten half to death. The scars left on him aren’t visible, can’t be seen to the naked human eye. They’re on the inside of him. A tattered web of all the marks that ruin him run across his heart and his lungs, weighing so much that they’re slowly crushing him. Slowly killing him.

“Please talk to me, please.”

There’s so much to say, so much to try and make sense of. If he could’ve talked about it before, they wouldn’t be here. They would be back to their usual bickering selves, arguing about the most trivial things in the entire world.

But, they are here. Mark can’t change that, yet. He hasn’t got a clue how to.

He lets Hyuck lay with him until he falls asleep from crying so hard. 

When he wakes up the next morning, he’s cursing at himself for giving into the weakest part of him. The weakest part of him which would always be Lee Donghyuck who owns his heart and has since the first day he’s met him. 

Mark Lee is wrapped so tightly around Donghyuck’s pinky finger that he would jump off a cliff if he asked, he would run catch a grenade for him. He is completely and utterly, totally and wholly Lee Donghyuck’s.

But, he’s also Mark Lee who’s dreadful of the future. A person who knows that part of what life has in store for him that he doesn’t want.

Those two sides of him are at war. The battles are never ending, the fight taking its toll out on him. No matter what, he’s on the losing side.


	3. love is a road that goes both ways

A week later, nobody has said a thing about Mark’s meltdown. Not even Johnny, which surprises Mark the most. Taeyong hasn’t asked for an apology for Mark calling him a fucking cunt, which also shocks him. Jaehyun hasn’t sat him down and told him to apologize either.

You can see why Mark thought he was out of the woods, free of the consequences.

He is wrong and can see that now because he’s following Johnny and Jaehyun into his bedroom, trailing behind them like a lost puppy. Everything he’s ever done is running through his mind as he thinks about the scolding he’s going to get in both Korean and English.

He’s surprised Doyoung isn’t here too just to top off the cake. 

They enter the bedroom, Johnny patting the space beside him on Mark’s bed while Jaehyun closes the door behind them. He sits down hesitantly, knowing good and well that he’s twenty now and doesn’t have to put up with this bullshit. He doesn’t move.

“I think you know why we’re here,” Jaehyun sighs in English, pulling Mark’s desk chair in front of him and sitting. 

“You’re lashing out, you’re crying all the time. Mark, please. We can’t watch you self-destruct like this,” Johnny adds, patting Mark’s shoulder.

Self-destruct reminds him of Jeno and how he hadn’t had a clue what he was going through before, didn’t understand the reasoning behind it. He recalls the words from _Lee Jeno’s Self-Destruction Manual_ that had stuck with him the most.

_We self-destruct for many reasons. I would say mine are that because I know, overwhelmingly know, that I’m not good enough for anyone. But, everyone has a reason of their own. Some are scared of the future, some are scared of their pasts, and some do it just because they can._

He thinks that maybe all the nonsense Jeno had written makes sense now. 

“I-” he coughs, “I don’t really get it, either. I-I don’t know why I’m like this.”

It feels good to say aloud, even if the words don’t help. 

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun nods. “It’s okay that you don’t know, but Mark. You can’t keep going like this. Comeback is near, you know this. We can’t breakdown right now.”

He knows Jaehyun is right. They don’t have time to deal with emotions. He just needs to push through and deal with all of this bullshit later. Still, it pisses him off because there have been times where Jaehyun has been off his game because of Taeyong but he’s never said one thing about it.

“That’s gold coming from you,” he snipes, not thinking about what was coming out of his mouth until it’s too late. 

“Mark,” Johnny cautions, putting his hand on Mark’s and giving it a squeeze.

“I suggest being very careful by what you say next,” Jaehyun warns, voice deep enough to scare Mark a little. The look in Jaehyun’s eyes should be enough to tell Mark to back down, get off his high horse and just agree with him.

Doing things the easy way has never been Mark’s forte. “I’m just saying, I don’t understand what gives you the right to say this fucking shit to me when you’ve got a boyfriend, or maybe ex-boyfriend, I never know with you two, that has you fucked up most of the time. You come in here telling me that we don’t have time for my emotions when I’ve certainly had to cater to yours.”

He knows it was a low blow, bringing Taeyong into this because they have unspoken rules. The biggest of which being that they don’t drag Jaeyong’s relationship into their arguments.  
The room is eerily silent for a few moments afterwards. Jaehyun scoffs and shakes his head before standing up. “I tried, Johnny. He’s your problem.”

Jaehyun leaves the room, slamming the door shut so hard that it rattles the picture frames on the walls. 

He regrets what he said two seconds later when he looks at Johnny who’s only shaking his head. “You know better, Mark. I don’t know why you’re pushing us away, why you’re isolating yourself. I want to be here for you, but I can’t sit back and watch you being a little bitch to people who only care and love you.”

Mark knows Johnny is more than right. He doesn’t want the words to leave his mouth, doesn’t want to push him away too. But, he can’t stop himself. “Then don’t.”

 

Time passes by so fast that Mark thinks he gets whiplash. March rolls around and NCT U has their comeback. In April, NCT Dream has theirs. In May, NCT 127 releases their first full length album _NCT 127_. He knows, insanely creative. Concerts and concerts have been stacked on top of each other, barely giving them any breaks.

Now, in June, he can’t believe that seven months have passed since their breakup. He knows he still loves Donghyuck, still sneaks peeks of him and pines after him.

But, too much has changed for them to be together again. Mark knows this now because that’s what Johnny is telling him. They fought for a bit after Mark royally fucked up with Jaehyun, but in the end everything was made right between them.

Johnny keeps talking about how Hyuck seems happier, is smiling more, is actually thriving from this breakup. The breakup that Mark is starting to understand a little bit better. He finds himself walking back to his and Hyuck’s old room to stare at the stars that are starting to peel and fall off the ceiling.

That’s where he is now, head by the massive pile of Yuta’s clothing. SMTown is less than three weeks away and the whole band is in prep mode. So, it’s not really a surprise that Mark needs time to think. 

He recounts the stars, sad that two have already fallen off. 

“You’re so predictable,” Johnny smirks over him, blocking his view of the stars. 

“Thanks,” Mark says monotonically, fingers intertwined and resting on his lower stomach as he waits for Johnny to move.

Johnny lays down next to him. “What’re you thinking about?” His question is in English.

“Donghyuck,” Mark answers truthfully in English. There’s no point in lying to Jonny anymore. No matter what, he’s going to find out.

“You’ve been thinking about him a lot,” Johnny comments for no particular reason. 

“I’m always thinking about him.”

“Then you should talk to him.”

“You said he was doing fine without me,” Mark points out, raising an eyebrow.

“That was a lie.”

“Was it?”

Johnny laughs. “It actually was. He still misses you, talks about you as much as you talk about him.”

Mark hums to keep the room from going completely quiet. “You ever thought about getting married?”

A pause. “Yeah.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Marrying Hyuck, having kids with him. Being a _twinky cunt_. Think about it a lot.”

“I think I know what your problem is,” Johnny exclaims, sitting up so quickly that he gets dizzy. 

“You do?” Mark asks, unamused. If he doesn’t know what his problem is, Johnny sure can’t. He doesn’t sit up, not even curious about Johnny’s diagnosis. 

 

He’s heard the hyungs talk about it when they thought he couldn’t. Taeyong says it’s because he’s young and doesn’t know what he wants. Yuta and Winwin say it’s because it’s too stressful being in a relationship, they can concur, and it’s easier being friends. Taeil sighs and mumbles something about how he should talk to someone besides them. Doyoung and Jaehyun agree it’s just because he’s a fulltime bitch.

“I thought it was because you were scared to be with him, you know, like forreal. Boyfriend and boyfriend. And, I think maybe that is part of the problem only not in the way I thought.” Johnny pulls his tongue between his teeth, nibbling on the tip of it.

“You’re making no sense,” Mark breathes out, sitting up too.

“You don’t want to be gay, Mark. It’s internalized homophobia 101.”

Mark squints, pursing his lips. “You’re wrong.”

“I don’t think I am. You’re scared to be gay because you know the consequences of it. Forced closesting, risk of losing everything you’ve literally bled for. Plus, everything you’re giving up, like marriage and kids.”

It makes too much sense, makes Mark’s head throb.

Johnny continues, noticing that the same face that Mark makes when he’s realized something is finally showing. “If you make things official with Hyuck or if you’re with Hyuckie at all, you’re gay. He’s a reminder of the risks, of your own homophobia.”

“But, I’m not homophobic,” Mark says weakly, voice quivering. 

“You’re not homophobic, but you don’t want to be gay yourself. As I said before, internalized homophobia 101.”

“And, if that is the case,” Mark mutters, defeated. “Hypothetically, I am fucking pissed because I’m gay, then what?”

Johnny bites on his bottom lip and closes one eye to think. “Then, hypothetically, I would tell you that you shouldn’t be mad. I would say that we only live once and you shouldn’t let someone you love slip away because life isn’t working out the way you want it to. I would also say, that it’s okay to be gay.”

Mark nods his head, rubbing his eyes to keep from crying. “But, everyone else says it is. The laws even say so. How do you argue with that?”

Noticing the pool of tears sitting on the edge of Mark’s eyes, Johnny takes Mark’s hands into his own. “You think marriage is everything, which is why you’re always talking about it. But, a certificate doesn’t mean shit. It’s so fucking unfair, Mark. It sucks so fucking much, the laws and the people. But, you’re in love with Hyuck. And you’re only hurting him and yourself for worrying about this now.”

“It’s my future, Johnny. Down the road, when all of the fame runs out, what do I do then? I can’t marry Hyuck, I can’t have kids with him. I can’t have the fucking dream life with him, hyung. So what’s the fucking point of even trying now?” Mark is crying again, trying to deal with all of the realizations that have hit him.

“Nobody is promised a tomorrow. We aren’t even promised a career next year, Mark. So, you’ve got to make the most of it now. If you love him, you need to be with him. Why do you think Taeyong and Jaehyun always come back to each other in the end? They know that all the pain and all the heartbreak now is worth it. And, I think you know that all of the possible heartbreak later on is worth loving Hyuck now.”

 

Lee Donghyuck supposes that the best thing to ever happen to him would be walking into the SM Trainee room and seeing Mark Lee standing there, looking nervous as ever.

He could say debuting twice and making eight comebacks would be the best thing to ever happen to him. Probably would if asked.

Yet, now, the truth remains that Mark Lee is the best thing to ever happen to him. Even after Mark having ripped his heart out and smashing it into a thousand little pieces, he’s still the best thing to ever happen to him.

Mark Lee is a lot of things. He’s a dork who laughs at things that aren’t funny. He scrunches his nose up when he laughs and he get flustered when Hyuck tries to kiss him on the cheek in public. He has a smile that makes everyone around him light up. 

He works hard for what he wants, wouldn’t give up even if you offered him a billion dollars. He slurps his noodles and burps loud when he thinks nobody is listening. He showers with the water boiling hot and sometimes cries when he sees a dog come onto the screen unexpectedly. He’s careful, mindful of everything he does. He likes being precise and planned out. He contrasts so much with Hyuck who couldn’t give a shit about a plan, doesn’t care if everything around him is a complete mess.

He lets Hyuck crawl into bed at three in the morning after they’ve fought, will still cuddle him even when he’s pissed off at him. 

He’s everything Lee Donghyuck is not, which is why Hyuck understands why Mark doesn’t want to be with him.

They are too different, like the sun and the moon. The sea and the desert. Their differences cause them to fight like cats and dogs, scream and throw shit. Their relationship sometimes looks like throwing gasoline on a fire, just causes a bigger explosion.

But, in the wake of that explosion lies them. They always survive the blast, even if they get burned. And together they heal.

He couldn’t trade that for anything. Even when he knows Mark doesn’t love him, he still loves him with everything he has and everything he doesn’t. Every part of him aches for Mark to love him back. His heart burns for Mark, beats for Mark. He is completely and utterly, totally and wholly Mark Lee’s.

But, after so long of hoping and waiting for Mark Lee, he has to come to the realization that Mark is never going to love him. His fantasies of getting back together with him are exactly that, fantasies. They’re meant for right before he’s going to bed, a time he lets himself dream over Mark.

He finds it kind of funny though. You know, how much of a masochist he is. Only a masochist could love someone who doesn’t want them, in fact even hates them. Only someone insanely fucked up could let themselves cry over a person who broke their heart even seven months later.

He knows it’s not healthy. _God, he knows._ He has to hear it from Taeyong and Yuta almost every week. But, he always replies that they can’t really talk because they’ve got people who’ve fucked them up too. 

So, you can see why Hyuck is surprised when he sees his door open and Mark Lee in all his glory standing there. He looks so good, it knocks the breath out of Hyuck. He gulps and pulls an earpod out of one of his ears.

“C-can we talk?” Mark asks quietly. Hyuck looks at the time on his phone. Only 11:30 P.M. He nods, eyes following Mark step in tentatively and shut the door behind him. He walks over and sits on the couch in the room, basically as far away from Hyuc as possible.

“What’s up?” Hyuck coughs, pausing his music and dropping his earpods on his bedside dresser. He can’t bring himself to look at Mark, but can feel his gaze practically burning holes into his head.

“I’m sorry,” Mark gulps. Hyuck’s eyes snap up, finally making eye contact with Mark.

“W-what?”

“I’m so sorry, Hyuckie,” Mark whispers and Hyuck knows he’s being genuine. 

“Mark…” He doesn’t even know what to say. He’s imagined this so many times, dreamt about it for almost three months straight. But, now that’s it’s happening, he only feels himself growing angry. “You c-can’t just-”

“I know,” Mark interrupts, gaze still heavily set on Hyuck. “But, it’s the truth. I know I was unfair and treated you like shit, b-but I had all this bullshit that fucked me up. I-I it really screwed with my head.”

Hyuck shakes his head, not knowing how to react. “You can’t come in here and make excuses for treating me like fucking trash, Mark. You acted like I didn’t matter, l-like I-I didn’t mean shit.”

He tastes the tears before he actually notices them falling down his cheeks. He squeezes his eyes shut, begging them to stop. Praying for them to stop.

“Baby,” the pet name makes Hyuck’s breath hitch, “I’m so, so sorry. I know I will never be able to make up for everything, for all the shit I’ve put you through these last seven months. I fucked up so, so much. B-but, please, please let me just explain. If you never want me to talk to you again, I won’t.”

Hyuck can hear that Mark’s crying too and it breaks his heart again, if that’s even possible. He’s weak for Mark, has the softest spot for him. There’s no way he could just tell him no, so he nods his head yes and waits for him to begin speaking.

“O-okay. A long, long time ago I thought about marriage and I realized that we could never get married. For some reason, I couldn’t let go of it. A-and, when I thought about the fact that because we were both boys is the reason we can’t get married...I fucking lost it. I-I d-don’t know. I started to resent being gay...and I started to resent you for being a boy. It sounds so fucking dumb, I know. But, it really fucked me up. I just couldn’t deal with it like a rational person. It was like you reminded me of all the shit I couldn’t have.”

“That feels great to hear,” Hyuck mumbles, not sure of what to think. “Really fucking great, Mark. Like, wow. I love knowing I’m the reason you can’t get married and live happily ever after. Did you ever, ever stop and think that I can’t have any of those things either?” He knows he’s yelling, he can’t help it. “You ever stop and think that most people in this fucking band can’t have those things either? Not everything is about you, Mark! The world doesn’t spin on its axis because you exist! And, it doesn’t stop spinning because you decide that you want to get married and have kids! God, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you!”

He’s standing up, pacing around. He’s still crying. He knows that his face is red with anger and red from the crying. What a win-win for him, huh?

“You have every right to be mad,” Mark whispers after a few minutes. “But, I wanted you to understand that it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, you never could. It was all me, all in my head. That’s why this relationship ended. Not you.”

Hyuck wishes Mark would stop talking. It’s starting to sound like more of a final goodbye instead of the “let’s get back together” he’s hoping to hear.

“Anyway, here’s this. I got it for you for Christmas, took six months to get to Korea.” Mark pushes himself off the couch and holds a necklace out for Hyuck.

Hyuck takes it from him, hand brushing Mark’s. It, for whatever reason, brings on another wave of tears he’s forced to wipe away with the back of his hand.

“I...I never stopped loving you,” Mark murmurs, taking Hyuck’s face in one of his hands and wiping the tears away with his thumb.

Mark leaves as Hyuck starts to examine the necklace. He admires the pearl for a little bit before looking at the dog-tag. He falls to his knees when he sees what’s engraved into it. 

He thinks for a long time after Mark’s left the room, necklace clasps in his hand. He lays on his bed, just wondering what he should do.

He wants so desperately to feel Mark’s love, to feel him cuddle him after so long. But, Mark fucked up. He _broke_ him.

How is he ever supposed to trust him after this? How is he supposed to have faith that he won’t back out again?

All these thoughts swarm his head, clouding all his thoughts. He just wish he knew the right answer. He wishes he could go back in time and tell Mark that even though they can’t get married, it didn’t matter. A piece of paper from city hall doesn’t mean shit. 

But, he doesn’t think that answer back then would’ve done anything for Mark. That Mark still dreamt of the perfect life when the reality is that he would never get those things. Hyuck couldn’t give those things to him.

It’s too much to take in. It makes his head hurt, makes his stomach hurt, makes everything hurt.

 

Two weeks later, Mark is sitting in his bedroom when Hyuck comes walking in with the necklace hanging from his neck.

He puts down his notebook and pen, raising an eyebrow. He admires how good he looks with the necklace on. It looks exactly how he hoped it would. 

“I never stopped loving you, either,” Hyuck mumbles as he takes a seat in Mark’s desk chair across from him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Hyuck nods. “You fucked up so badly, Mark. You literally shattered me into a bajillion tiny pieces. When you broke up with me, I thought I did something wrong. I spent seven months rethinking everything, retracing every step I ever took.”

“Baby-”

“N-no, let me talk,” Hyuck gulps, wiping away his tears. “And, I was so fucking pissed at you when you came into my room two weeks ago talking about marriage and all that shit. I don’t know. You were barely making any sense. B-but, I talked to Johnny and he told me everything.”

Mark nods, unsure of what else to do. He doesn’t know what Hyuck is going to do. If he’s going to walk out of this room and never look back or kiss him. The amount of scenarios running through his mind are enough for him to want to bang his head on the table.

“But...but, I’m so madly in love with you, Mark Lee. And, if seven months has taught me anything it’s that I don’t want to be without you. I-I hated every second of it. I hated not waking up to you holding me, hated not hearing all your stupid stories, not kissing you. I-I felt like I was suffocating or something, you know? Like I was being crushed.”

Mark’s crying because he does know. He knows more than enough. “God, do I know, baby. I missed you so fucking much.”

The next thing he knows, he’s got a lap full of Lee Donghyuck. He feels lips connect to his and the salty taste of both of their tears mixing together. Their kiss only lasts fifteen seconds (yes, he counted) before he’s pulling away.

“I-I don’t want to kiss you if we...this doesn’t go anywhere, Hyuck. I was scared before, but I’m not anymore.”

Hyuck raises his eyebrows. “Is this you asking me to be your boyfriend, Mark Lee.”

“Why yes, it is, Lee Donghyuck.” 

They burst out into giggles and Mark’s heart feels full. He missed the sound so much. He never realized how empty he was without it. He never realized how empty you could be without a certain person.

“Then, yes, Mark Lee. I will be your boyfriend as long as you promise an unlimited amount of cuddles and kisses.” Hyuck smiles and Mark swears it almost blinds him.

“Done.”

“Oh, and also, I want you to promise you’ll never ever do that again.”

“I promise.”

As they reconnect their lips, Mark finally knows what the past seven months have taught him (besides the whole internalized homophobia thing, that’s for a different time).

What Mark learned in the past seven months is that love isn’t simple. It’s a maze of twists and turns and dead ends. You can spend years of your life trying to understand it, trying to make it seem rational when the truth is that you aren’t meant to analyze love. You’re meant to feel it, not understand it.

Mark learned the hard way, putting himself through misery just to end up back where he started. He left Hyuck to try and get some sort of grip as to why he was in love with another guy, why he couldn’t love a girl that way. After all of the overthinking and crying, he came back to the same reason he started with.

He loves another guy because he loves Hyuck. He loves everything about Hyuck. That’s it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much for reading!! all constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated. i hope u guys enjoyed. leave a kudos because they make me feel special:))
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